Arousal
One of the biggest myths about asexuality is that ace people don’t feel arousal at all. That’s not actually true.
A lot of aces do experience arousal—but we may not want sex with another person. Arousal is a body response or state of activation that can occur in different was, but doesn’t always translate into wanting a partner involved. That’s where the difference between arousal (physical response) and attraction (directed toward someone) really matters. You can have one without the other, and that’s completely normal.
This is where a lot of allosexual people get confused – I find that for them, arousal and attraction are so inextricably linked that they can have trouble seeing them as separate concepts. For them, these two processes often respond in sync—if they’re aroused, it usually means there’s someone they’re attracted to, and if they’re attracted to someone, arousal often follows. Because those two experiences reinforce each other so consistently, it can be difficult to picture them coming apart. To someone who has always known those feelings as a package deal, the ace experience can sound contradictory, even though for some of us, it’s just reality.
Kinks
Another assumption people sometimes make is that asexual people couldn’t possibly be into kink. From the outside, people often assume kink only makes sense if you’re driven by sexual attraction. But the truth is, some of us are into kink—and for a lot of different reasons.
Kink isn’t always about sex. It can be about sensation (enjoying how something feels), structure (rituals, roles, rules), creativity (costumes, scenarios, roleplay), or dynamics (power, trust, vulnerability). For some ace folks (and even allo folks!), kink is a way to explore those things without it needing to lead to sex at all. For others, kink overlaps with sex sometimes, but it doesn’t have to be the purpose or main event.
For many aces, kink is more about play, connection, and curiosity. It can be a way to build intimacy with a partner, or even just to experience our own bodies in interesting ways. In that sense, kink can feel less like “sex acts” and more like another kind of self-expression—like dance, cosplay, or theater, just with its own unique set of tools and language.
And of course, plenty of asexual people don’t have any interest in kink at all, which is equally valid. The point is that being ace doesn’t automatically rule kink out—it just shapes the way we approach and experience it.
Luckily, being ace doesn’t seem to hinder folks in kind spaces. Many people in kink scenes have or will gladly respect non-sexual dynamics, and there are kink spaces that explicitly ban sexual acts. I would argue that any kink space that doesn’t emphasize a respect for boundaries is not a place anyone would want to be.
Aesthetic Attraction
Another piece of the puzzle is something called aesthetic attraction. This is when someone notices and appreciates how another person looks—maybe even feels drawn to them in a visual sense—without it being about sex or romance. It’s kind of like how you can admire a painting, a piece of fashion, or a landscape: you recognize beauty, you enjoy looking, but it doesn’t automatically make you want to date it or sleep with it.
For many aces, aesthetic attraction is a common experience. You might see someone and think, wow, they’re gorgeous, or enjoy their style, or even want to look at them a little longer, but there’s no desire for physical or sexual contact. That’s different from sexual attraction, which is about wanting sexual involvement with someone, and also different from romantic attraction, which is about wanting a romantic relationship.
This distinction matters, because people often assume that noticing someone’s beauty must equal being sexually interested in them. But aesthetic attraction is about appreciating how someone looks without carrying the extra layers. It’s simply noticing, appreciating, and maybe enjoying beauty for what it is.
Resources
Asexuality, Attraction, and Romantic Orientation
Asexuality, Gray-Asexuality, and Demisexuality
Thoughtful blog post from an asexual who participates in bondage kink
Mental Wanderings: Art, Nature, Life 