“As small as a world…”

I have a chronic illness that impacts various organs – including my liver and kidneys. I fully understood that this was going to get worse, but it caught me off-guard a bit in August when my right kidney went a bit haywire and I needed two surgeries to fix it.

Being able to tune out your body is a privilege I no longer have. I now live an existence in which I’m hyper-aware of my physical presence in ways that I wasn’t when I was younger, and I’m hyper-aware of my limitations. It’s been this way for years, and sometimes I am okay with that, and sometimes it’s just frustrating.

If you can’t relate to this, pause for a moment and just be grateful.

The tattoo on my arm that you can partially see is an ee cummings quote – “as small as a world and as large as alone.” That particular line is so saturated and poignant, in the middle of a poem that is a bit more light-hearted. It’s a surprise. It wakes you up – it’s jolting. That’s why I love this poem so much – that unexpected moment when whimsy turns to philosophy.

As small as a world and as large as alone.

My world felt very small for the last month, and my alone felt quite vast. Now the smallness is expanding a bit, and the alone is slowly shrinking. The creative flow is coming back, which is always how I know I’m okay.

And the poetry – that’s what sustains me when the walls close in.