Dealbreakers

One of the really beautiful things about being in your 40s is that is truly is the “idgaf” decade. Things that seemed important when you were younger suddenly aren’t really important, and things you overlooked become appreciated.

It’s been a tumultuous year for personal relationships, and after therapy and soul-searching, I realized that at 45, I have a list of relationship dealbreakers. Some I’ve had for a while, some I’ve only recently begun to articulate. And since I feel like I’m hitting my stride in a lot of ways, I wanted to share. I think sometimes other people need to hear this stuff, too.

Leaving a conversation when it gets uncomfortable.

This is one of my biggest triggers and an immediate dealbreaker. If you tune out, walk away, go nuclear, ignore me, whatever, to avoid conversations that you find uncomfortable – I’m done. If you’re unable to have a conversation that pushes you outside your comfort zone and requires you to deal with real issues and other people’s needs and feelings without shutting down, you’re not worth my time.

“I wanted you to fight for me!”

I shouldn’t have to fight for you. I’ll fight WITH you, but I shouldn’t have to jump through hoops, chase after you, and push other people out of my way to “win” your attention. If you’re not committed, neither am I.

“I enjoy toxic relationship dynamics!”

Go enjoy them somewhere else, far away from me.

Ghosting then reappearing.

If you need space, then you tell people you need space. If you’re busy, you tell people you’re busy and may be unavailable. You don’t disappear for weeks or months then come back like nothing happened. If you stop responding to me with no explanation then try to come back later, the door will be closed.

If you tell me you’re done, I’m taking you at your word.

People who tell you they’re done then keep coming back are just being manipulative. I’m not making space for people who go nuclear then keep coming back like “lol j/k you’re still my soulmate.” Fuck off.

You are unable to apologize.

If you’re unable to self-reflect, admit when you’re wrong, and sincerely apologize to someone you supposedly care about, then you’re not worth my time. “I’m sorry you took it that way” isn’t an apology.

Lying.

I’m not talking the occasional little white lie – we all do that. I’m talking the big stuff, especially if it’s a pattern. If I can’t trust what you’re telling me, then I can’t have any sort of meaningful or healthy relationship with you.

Jealousy.

If you react to things out of jealousy because you either enjoy the drama or simply have the emotional regulation skills of a twelve year old, I’m not your person.

You have expectations but won’t reciprocate.

Nothing good ever comes from making yourself available to a selfish individual. It doesn’t need to be 50/50 all the time, but it can’t just be me making an effort.

You weaponize your neurodivergence, mental health, or medical conditions.

Being neurodivergent, having mental health issues, and/or having medical conditions do not give you a free pass to be an asshole. I’m willing to extend grace to people who are legitimately struggling, I’m willing to work with people who sincerely need a bit more help or time or understanding, and I’m fine with people who have differences in how they think or act or exist in the world. What I won’t put up with is someone who treats people like shit then tells anyone who pushes back that they’re “ableist.” Holding you accountable for being an asshole isn’t ableism.

The biggest piece of advice I give people younger than me (and wish I could give my younger self) is this: Give yourself permission to walk away. That person who seems so important? They’re not. That person who seems so unique? They’re not. That person who seems to get you better than anyone else? They clearly don’t. Trust me. The world is hard enough; you’re better off without people in your life who contribute more drama than peace.